Clichés are often clichés for a reason and one that holds true for me is that you cannot imagine motherhood until you are actually a mother. Even whilst pregnant, as a life blooms inside you, you think you understand but only when your baby is here do you fully realise the impact and life-changing properties motherhood can have.
For example, whilst 7 months pregnant, my mother and I were discussing a hen-do that I was due to attend at roughly 6 weeks postpartum. I remember feeling very unbothered about the whole thing. When my mum asked what I planned to do, I just shrugged nonchalantly: “I’ll just express milk and leave him with my husband, while I head into London for the day.”
I still remember my mum’s reaction now. She gave me a very knowing smile. “No you won’t,” she stated, rather matter-of-factly. She tried to explain it; she tried to impress on me the intensity of motherhood, particularly with a newborn, and how I wouldn’t want to leave me baby for a few minutes, never mind for a whole day.
I couldn’t understand it, couldn’t comprehend that feeling at all. In fact I was slightly irritated by the notion that I wouldn’t be able to go. I remember reasoning that as a bridesmaid, I had to go and grumbled that I’d already bought tickets and helped to book a majority of the events. To not go at that point seemed like a massive inconvenience.
Suddenly, I’m 6 weeks postpartum and with the hen-do only 1 week away, I finally understood what my mum meant. In my first few weeks of motherhood, I had immersed myself in a completely new world. My new life was my baby: I spent all hours of the day, doing skin-to-skin, learning his cues and trying to get to grips with breastfeeding. The old me felt like a distant memory, trapped in a body that was sore, aching and fragile.
Rather predictably, for those in the know, my original plan went to pot. I didn’t drop my baby with Daddy and head off into town. Instead, I abandoned most of my plans – brunch, escape room, theatre – and opted to just attend a group meal… with my husband and baby at the other end of the restaurant of course. The bride, was enormously understanding, as were the other bridesmaids, but the whole situation illustrates just how much your priorities shift and how your life alters once have children.
Fast forward to now, my baby is six months and he will be 12 months before I know it! Looking at my life just a year ago, reminds me how much I have changed, how far I have come and the extent to which I have matured in a relatively short time frame.
As I count down to my baby’s first birthday, I will be sharing a series of essays about motherhood: what I’ve loved, what I’ve struggled with and what I’ve learned. Whilst it may serendipitously help an unsuspecting reader who stumbles across it, its primary purpose is to serve as a self-reflection of myself during my first year as a mother.
My triumphs, my shortcomings and my lessons for the future.
Enjoy,
CeCe
The Closet Conservative 